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The
Headhunters - a noble tribe that gets us all a better
deal. Sworn to secrecy and acting with the utmost
discretion they selflessly strive to improve your
present lot. After convincing you that your current
job has the same future prospects as a goat in a
cage of lions, they then endeavor to show you the
Promised Land - Which in the eating might in actual
fact be akin to jumping from the frying pan into
the fire (If any headhunter is reading this, I am
being thoroughly misquoted by the editor. I love
all you guys and keep those calls coming).
The
phone rang, breaking the fantasies that Ram Shankar
might have got into had he fallen asleep, but since
he didn't, he picked up the receiver. There was
a hushed voice at the other end.
"Can
I speak to Ram Shankar?" the voice was hurriedly
muffled, like that of a man either on the run from
the law or trying to get out of the way when Michael
Schumacher is roaring out of a pit stop, trailing
Narain Karthikeyan. (Now that's a thought).
"Who
is this?"
"Prabhakar"
the voice quipped back with almost a trained like
reflex.
"This
is Ram Shankar; do I know you Mr Prabhakar?"
"Ram
Shankar? Is that really you?" the voice spoke
with the fond enquiring tone of a mother finding
her long lost children in a typical Manmohan Desai
reunion sequence.
Unused
to people expressing such glee at finding him at
the other end of the line, Ram was emotionally swayed
and replied with equal gusto. "Yes it's me
and I have been waiting for this moment all my life."
"Hmm."
the voice returned to its callous curtness, kind
of taken aback by the unbridled enthusiasm it found
at the other end.
"Control
yourself Ram Shankar, firstly is this line secure?"
"Why
do you ask?"
"Can
we speak now? And does someone know that you are
speaking to me?"
Ram
Shankar paused to look around, just to see if there
was anything that he had done to attract attention,
but apart from his hideously florescent tie he had
remained inconspicuous as usual.
"And
who are you?"
The silence at the other end of the line was reminiscent
of the deathly calm before the phone rings at office
on Monday morning.
"My
name is U."
"That's
it?"
"I
could tell you more but it's classified. I might
have to kill you if you end up knowing too much"
"I
…I work in advertising" began Ram Shankar
pensively "I am sure you have the wrong person,
there is nothing of any kind of importance that
I have ever got into, I might have delayed on last
weeks language artworks but that's no reason to…."
"Steady
young man. Listen. I am a headhunter. The most famous
one in industry and I might have something for you."
"If
you are so famous, how come I have never heard of
you?"
That
question bought an almost angry pause to the conversation.
Ram could hear the sound of a keyboard being furiously
mauled and the unmistakable sound of a carriage
return key being triumphantly hit.
"Ram
Shankar." The voice paused to gather breath
to muster a sufficient amount of disgust. "You
graduated or should I say scraped out of your college.
Your academic record was average, so you could not
make it anywhere. Then you struggled into an MBA
school and were again an average student there,
got placed at your present agency on the very last
day of campus interviews. In fact you might have
been one of the very last candidates remaining.
Even there you were fortunate that the owner of
the agency had in an inebriated state solemnly promised
your institute director that he would pick at least
one student from campus."
The
emphasis on 'Even there' was not lost on Ram. He
was a bit flustered by that uncomplimentary encapsulation
of his entire academic achievements. He had to get
even.
"That's
something that any job consultant might know. What
makes you so special eh?"
The
voice paused again, like the US consulate before
they stamp a reject sign on your visa (if anyone
has been through that they know exactly what I'm
talking about).
"You
had your first crush on your English teacher at
the age of 13. But you were shy to admit it to your
friends, might be because your teacher was male.
You have never 'gone around' with any woman though
you have tried desperately hard all your life. You
want to get close to Tanya in your present office,
but she thinks you are a loser. You always claim
conveyance even when others have paid for the trip;
you feel guilty about it but pray each night asking
for forgiveness, like that (read with contempt)
would make it any better. You have been an average
football player all your life and never stand in
to defend corners because you are scared to head
the ball. And you have been trying to get out of
that agency over the last year but no one, just
no one has found you interesting enough to call
you for an interview."
Ram
drank in those harsh words with fear, amazement
and awe (in no particular order).
"Even
my mother doesn't know me that well."
His
tone was humbled like that of any opposing captain
after a series with Australia.
"That's why I am the best" Game. Set.
Match. 'U'.
"So
what is it that you have to tell me?" queried
Ram Shankar in his meekest tone.
"I
have called you to rescue your career and prevent
it from sinking like the Titanic"
The
chill in those words actually made Ram Shankar feel
a small puddle develop near his feet. He clearly
needed his cup of tea but Chai-La (the mystical
Chinese canteen boy) seemed busy chatting with goblets
(female goblins in bikinis) from other dimensions.
"Why
do you think that this is a bad place?"
"Well
your boss Vikas to start with."
"What
about him?"
"The
lesser said the better. He is not bothered about
his subordinates, in fact given the choice he would
readily trade you for a pack of cigarettes."
For
once Ram wanted to give his boss the benefit of
doubt. Even Vikas was not that inhuman. Or was he?
"And
then the account. Itching creams! What kind of future
does anyone working on that have? You really have
to 'scratch' your head to come up with an answer.
HA, HA, HA …"
"Well
it isn't that bad I have learnt a bit…."
"And
a bit is all that it will be"
Ram
was angry. He felt a sudden unhealthy surge of loyalty
for his agency. He wanted to launch into a tirade
defending his boss and the account that he worked
on. Even maybe his client. Then he took a deep breath
and maturity took over.
"What
do you have in mind?"
"Have
you heard of Sunk-Without-A-Trace? More commonly
called SWAT?"
"SWAT?"
"Obviously
you don't even track your industry, it's the hottest
agency going around?"
"Going
around is right. I think they are losing people
and accounts by the dozen."
"Child.
Listen and learn. When a place is really 'happening'
these things are part of the scene. Would you rather
work in a place where you saw the same faces everyday?"
"Well…"
"And
it's the best place for learning. They have a management
trainee program that's unrivalled in the industry"
"Don't
they send out management trainees to move furniture
when someone in senior management is moving houses?"
"That's
rubbish. Well they might have done it once but that
was just to get the trainees to meet that guy. It
was part of their orientation and he was so busy
there was no other opportunity."
Ram
wanted to blowholes into that logic but a lack of
experience and imagination prevented him form uttering
anything worth documenting over here.
"Anyways
there is an opening that might interest you. I think
you must take it. I don't even see you having a
choice."
"Isn't
this like a free country and cant I decide if I
am interested?"
"At
your level it's almost criminal for people like
you to decide for themselves. You need expert advice,
because believe me at your level you really don't
know."
The
authoritative tone, the unshakeable confidence and
the ready answer all conspired to weaken Ram's resolve.
He was sinking fast.
"Can
we meet over tea sometime to discuss this?"
Ram asked.
"I
don't drink tea you unconfirmed management trainee,"
boomed the voice back and then without warning the
line went blank
"Old
Chinese Proverb - a known enemy is better than an
unknown friend, especially when the friend doesn't
drink tea." Ram heard those wise words of wisdom
being whispered in his ear, a tea cup delivered
in his hand as Chai-La took the fastest boom tube
to the nearest inter galactic placement agency with
Ram's resume in hand.
 After
stints at Lowe, Mudra and Everest, the author is
now with Triton as Associate Vice President Brand
Services. In addition to that, he is also patron
saint of Juhu Beach United - a movement that celebrates
obesity and the unfit 'out of breath' media professional
of today. To join up contact vinaykanchan@hotmail.com
(The
views expressed here are those of the author and
indiantelevision.com need not necessarily subscribe
to the same)
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