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The
office party - commonly mistaken by most as an excuse
to get drunk at the boss' expense. However that
is as far from the truth as the perfume industry
is from a skunk. The party actually is a forum where
if you can take advantage of the darkness and the
drunken state of most people, you can make some
of the most important moves of your career.
What the
'hic' did I just say?
"Listen
up guys!" the president's voice boomed in the
corridors, scaring all the people crammed in the
conference room trying to take a peek at the score
- and sending them scurrying off in directions that
might look work-related. "Come
over here all of you," that remark added a
new sense of direction to their motions and they
all began moving towards the reception.
There
was tension writ large over everyone's faces (in
Times New Roman). It was the year-end and the agency
was not doing too well, so people feared the worst.
This was another classic opportunity for one of
those 'bonding' parties (an opportunity not as yet
explored by Fevicol). And that thought was terrifying.
"We
are having a party tonight at my house. All of you
are invited. Try and make it." There was a
loud thud as 97 faces fell (excluding Vikas, Sarita
and the president)
"When
you miss a big boss party, fate worse than facing
Bruce Lee with nan-chaku," Chai-La (the Chinese
canteen tea boy) whispered in Ram's ears as he whizzed
by doing his 11 am tea tour.
"Hey chief
aren't you excited? This is your first office party."
Vikas chirped, as he came and sat himself down on
Ram's chair (the boss' comfort advantage - your
chair is my chair).
"Well..."
Ram was going to start on his sorry list of complaints
when an irritatingly melodious voice broke into
the conversation with the incisiveness of a cheerleader
finding her way through a gay parade.
"Hey Vikas
lets go to the party together. I don't know the
place," Sarita (Ram's cubicle mate and fellow
AE) crooned tilting her head at just the right angle
and batting her eyelids like a housefly was playing
hockey in them.
"Sure"
quipped Vikas. Their eyes locked in a moment that
Ram was unable to decode.
"So
Ram are you going to drink at the party?"
Partha, Ram's 'conveyance clearing nemesis' from
accounts, asked as Ram was studiously relieving
himself in the loo.
"I don't
know," Ram answered not looking away from the
business at hand.
"Tchaaahhh"
Partha spouted with contempt. "If you are not
going to drink you should not be in advertising."
"What's
drinking got to do with advertising?" Ram asked,
trying as hard as possible to keep his tone civil,
after all this man controlled his money supply (known
in account executive parlance as 'voucher capital').
"Everything.
In the old days, all the AEs used to drink like
fishes, they used to take clients out drinking,
sometimes even the finance, servicing and creative
guys used to go together. There used to be booze
flowing in the office in the evenings, business
was great, collections were even better, I am sure
the fact that we had so many people who drank had
something to do with our good fortunes then,"
concluded Partha as he synchronised the termination
of his bladder draining activity with the end of
his sentence.
"But don't
you think that the industry has changed in the last
few years, things have got much tighter and that's
the reason we aren't doing as well as we used to?"
Ram asked,
watching Partha blow his nose like a howitzer in
the sink. Partha looked up with an almost kindly
smile (if such a thing was actually possible with
the finance department). "You are still a bachcha
in this agency. You will learn slowly."
Ram had spent
the balance part of the day trying to avoid any
further conversations about parties and his drinking
capabilities with old-timers.
At around 6
pm the office began to clear out. The first to leave
were the studio and the accounts department. "These
guys think that the booze will run out if they go
late. That is so stupid," Mark,
the media operations guy told Ram, as they were
locked in a phonetic frenzy trying to get an urgent
advertisement through for the next day in the local
newspaper.
"Well
if everyone turns up that's a likely possibility,"
observed Ram quietly.
Mark put down
the receiver with the reflexes of a man just back
from a month-long vacation (that's me incidentally).
"I am going. I'll be damned if they beat me
to the whisky this time."
"But the
release for tomorrow?"
"You handle
it. Call me on my cell if there is a problem. I
owe you a drink."
"But I
don't drink."
"Then
a pass to this media party happening next week.
The crowd is going to be rocking there..."
Mark had touched
a soft spot. He did not even wait for Ram's answer.
With the speed of a creative director taking the
credit for his junior's idea he was away.
Ram glanced
around the office. The creative guys were still
there. Half of them were playing computer games
or chatting (the official agency sport), the other
half was trying to get some pending work done.
PP (the creative
director) was shouting obscenities at all of them
in an effort to get them to improve their work.
Furiously twirling his moustache (a trademark PP
move), scowling at servicing (the ones not yet at
the party) asking them to go and satisfy themselves
sexually (you know what I mean) when they were bringing
up last minute jobs.
Ram asked Sonya
(the creative trainee) as he passed her on his way
to pick up the release order, "Why don't you
leave for the party? You don't have work."
Sonya looked at him with amusement "Its only
6. I am not going there before 9.30."
"Why?"
asked Ram with his typical 'trainee yet to be confirmed'
innocence.
"Because
the later you go, the more importance people give
you," she finished. Then spotting that some
of her colleagues had eyed her making small talk
with some of the 'village people' (basically servicing)
she proceeded to look straight through Ram with
the 'warmth' of an airhostess (isn't an airhostess
a glorified 'plane' jane anyway?)
Trying to find
comfort in his own kind Ram scouted the entire office
but Vikas and Sarita were nowhere to be seen.
Ram reached
the party at 10 pm. After personally delivering
the material to the publication (the dispatch boys
had shooed him off). He politely rang the bell.
It was quite a while before Vikas opened the door
with Sarita draped on him like an external organ.
"Hey Chief!
What took you so long?" Vikas ushered Ram in.
The president came over and thumped Ram's back.
"Where is your drink?" he roared. "Sir
I don't..."
"What
do you mean you don't drink? What kind of an advertising
professional are you anyway?" He
thundered on with righteous indignation. Vikas was
chuckling all the time and given the umbilical connection
so was Sarita.
A familiar
vice whispered in Ram's ear "Just hold a glass
you don't have to drink. The famous Chinese philosopher
Noseeme said 'appear to do what others want and
you will never have your tea cup empty." Before
he could turn around Chai-La had teleported himself
to the balcony with his drinks tray.
Ram made his
way to the makeshift bar. The music was deafening.
Nearly the entire agency was on the dance floor
crammed in like commuters on a Virar fast. As Ram
watched them from the bar it was almost like they
were engaged in a pitched battle from an epic movie,
with all that wild flapping of arms, legs, heads
and more interesting parts.
"Aha I
see that you have your drink in hand. That's great!"
the president said as he strolled over for a refill.
"Let
me taste that." he snatched Ram's glass from
him and gulped the entire contents down like an
Olympic diver, coming up for air only after 10 seconds.
"That
was wicked... I sure underestimated you. You seem
like a hard core drinker. I think I like you. But
teach me how to make that concoction you just had,"
the president staggered away, extolling the virtues
of Ram's potent mixture that he had just sampled,
to all and laundry (actually sundry but I am a bit
inebriated right now.)
Ram looked
at his glass in amazement. He was just having Apple
juice. "As the famous English music group named
after an insect once said, 'let it be'! " Chai-La
whispered as he whizzed by stirring all the drinks
in the wake of his supersonic slipstream.
Ram accepted
that sagely advice and stopped all contemplation
over his turn of good fortune. He shifted his gaze
to the dance floor. Sarita was still glued to Vikas,
PP was shouting more than he was dancing. Partha
was staggering as if reeling from a succession of
broken marriages. Someone had spilled his guts right
in the center of the room but the dancing had not
stopped. People were just making small adjustments
in their dance steps to avoid stepping on it. And
that sight was truly hilarious, something I could
not (v)omit.
Sonya strolled
over to him, hair disheveled, glass in hand, and
busy messaging someone on the cell phone.
"Why aren't
you dancing?" she asked Ram not even looking
up from her messaging activities.
"I can't
dance."
"Do you
think anyone on the floor can?"
"I am
not even drunk."
"Stop
making silly excuses," said Sonya, still pressing
buttons at a frantic pace.
"Would
you like to dance?" she asked still not establishing
any eye contact.
Ram's heart
started doing cartwheels. His pulse began to pound
loudly. So much so that he felt that it was taking
over the sound system. This was his very first time.
He knew he had to be careful. And wear the right
protection. But it was all too much for him to think
about just then, as he led Sonya to the dance floor.
He was walking quickly and his instincts were so
dulled by the emotion of the moment that he did
not notice the deposit on the floor.
Ram suddenly
felt his legs give way. He felt himself sliding
- and to his horror he saw what was beneath and
his entire 'defense from embarrassment' mechanisms
took over. In one magic moment he prevented the
fall. But he was still sliding and to stop that
he used the frame of Partha as a brake.
The dynamics
of the situation aside, his momentum disturbed the
equilibrium of Partha. Partha staggered forward
realizing that he was going to fall. He needed desperately
to hang on to something. He found the closest something
that he hung onto for dear life.
The mayhem
in the room was silenced by a scream that shattered
all the windowpanes of the street.
Partha looked
up partially blinded by the sound. He looked up
to see Sarita's face and then saw to his horror
what he had held onto (I cant really dwell on the
exact details of that since this is a column for
family reading but suffice to say that those were
the only 'assets' preventing his downfall.)
"You filth..."
Sarita started with the most positive remark that
she had made about the finance department in a while,
but Ram was sure it would all go downhill from there.
It did.
If ever there
was a case for light travelling faster than sound
here was it. Ram saw Partha drop on the floor with
his hand clutching his face, right in the middle
of you know what, and then he heard the thunderclap.
"You swine.
I will see to it that you are sacked from the organisation"
There was complete
silence at the party now. The music had been turned
off. People had stopped dancing (there went Ram's
moment) and all eyes were on Partha and Sarita.
"It was
a mistake. I fell..."
"Don't
lie. I have seen you giving me the eye many times..."
"Stop
flattering yourself you idiot."
"Look
at the gall of the man. He hangs on to my (beeped
out) in public and he still is talking like he has
done nothing," Sarita was in tears now, causing
all the other women's eyes to moisten in a sublime
bonding moment. "I
will get you sacked," she screamed.
"Go do
what you can, let's see" Partha stood up, the
contents of someone else's stomach still very much
on his shirt, and stormed out of the place. So did
the rest of the finance department. So did studio
and dispatch not so much because they liked Partha
as for the reason that they all hated Sarita.
Ram looked
at Sonya she was in tears. "Hello! Why
are you crying? ...That
pig."
"Hey,
it was a mistake. He just slipped."
"I thought
you were different but you men are all the same.
All you can think about is that thing."
Sonya walked
out without shedding further light on 'that' thing,
made a few calls and got picked up in a BMW.
The president
strolled over to Vikas. He had watched the entire
incident unfold without much comment.
"Let's
call it a day, we can discuss this tomorrow. I don't
want any further hassles because of this incident.
I think we need to give Sarita a 25 per cent extra
raise to smooth over the matter and maybe even a
promotion."
"Yes that
seems the right way to resolve the matter. Don't
worry I will speak to her about this tomorrow and
settle it once and for all," said Vikas in
his usual cherubic manner.
Sarita returned
from the bathroom escorted by a bevy of women. Ram
went up to her and as the group departed they stood
together alone waiting for Vikas.
"Hey Sarita...
I am sorry about what happened but I must tell you
that it was a mistake Partha did not..."
"Save
it Ram, I know what happened," said Sarita,
her tears had miraculously dried up and there was
an eerie kind of smile on her face, the kind a preying
mantis flashes before eating its victim.
"You mean..."
"I saw
you stumble and push him but I never liked the guy
and now I have him where I want him plus what do
you know I might get something more as well."
"But that
is so wrong..."
"And if
you tell anyone else about this I can pull you into
this as well. After all you pushed him. But don't
worry, sweetie, I like you so I won't, just keep
your mouth shut."
Sarita was
looking distinctly evil. Ram thought he saw a '666'
flash on her digital watch just for a moment.
Vikas returned
and escorted Sarita out to his car, Ram slowly followed
still in a daze.
"I am
never going into that department again," said
Sarita back in tears, what a talent!
"Don't
worry Sarita, Ram will get done whatever you need
from accounts. Won't you Ram? And I don't want to
hear any excuses or find that there are delays happening..."
Ram knew the
next few days would be worth looking forward to
...for the accounts department.
He sat in the
car and was looking down to fasten his seat-belt
when a familiar voice whispered, "Better wear
a chastity belt next week when you make venture
into account department."
Ram looked
up just in time to see Chai-La become one with the
spirit of an Absolut Vodka bottle.
 Vinay
Kanchan - currently client services director with
Everest Integrated Communications Limited. He started
his career in Lintas (now Lowe). Kanchan is also
a soccer freak and organises soccer games for like-minded
members of the media fraternity residing in Mumbai's
suburbs. He can be contacted at vinaykanchan@hotmail.com.
(The
views expressed here are those of the author and
indiantelevision.com need not necessarily subscribe
to the same)
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