|
Performance
appraisal - An integral part of the company EHS
(employee humiliation scheme), the closest you get
to acting in your own TV programme (hence note the
'K' in the title: a prerequisite for any successful
soap).
How: First
you fill out a complicated form (which you seriously
doubt is in English) in all honesty, only to find
out later that it has become a written confession
of your crimes against the organisation. After that
you get the chance to defend yourself before your
boss. Much drama and heated exchanges later, you
barely manage to justify your existence only to
realise that even after one year, your story has
not moved forward in terms of increments, confirmations
and promotions…
Monday morning Ram was just leaving for his
weekly job status with Mr Bose (the client) when
Vikas (Ram's boss) popped his head over Ram's cubicle
with all the majesty of a humpback whale trying
to clear its nose
"Hey Chief!
Have you filled in your appraisal form yet?"
Vikas' question suddenly injected Ram with the kind
of panic one feels when they see Sourav Ganguly
winning the toss and putting the Australians in
to bat first in a one-day match.
Ram had kept
postponing 'the form filling ritual' all weekend
trying to get himself fired - focused, psyched up
and in the mood for writing fiction - basically
all the prerequisites for any appraisal form filling
ritual.
However whatever
he tried he kept coming back to square one. There
was something inherently intimidating about those
forms. Firstly there seemed to be too many pages
to fill in, too many embarrassing questions to answer
and secondly there were acronyms like KRAs (Key
Result Areas in case you guys didn't know) that
made him think he worked with the secret service
and his job was to do with keeping the President
from pushing the red button.
So the weekend
had whiffed by with the speed of 'that guilty feeling'
you are supposed to have when you dig into an ice
cream in the midst of a diet programme. Still the
empty forms stared him in the face.
On the way
to the client's office that day, Ram again glanced
at the forms. They had stuff like "What have
been your significant achievements over the past
year? What do you evaluate your future worth to
your organisation to be? What have been your failures
over the last year? Explain in a few words why we
should still keep you?" (just kidding on the
last one).
Ram had never
thought about his job that much. In all fairness
he did not even know with all those artworks pending
whether he would be able to make it to another of
those 'have no invite but will barge in' media parties
with his friends that evening, let alone get into
a five year planned analysis of his future prospects
with that agency.
Back again
at the office. Ram was just about starting to
put the pen down on paper when Sarita, the account
executive who shared his workplace (is that a better
word for a cubicle?) made her entry, as usual just
before lunch hour… "Maan, I partied sooo
much this weekend. That new disc just rocks baby…
I just barely managed to come in, I had to…
You know how the client makes a fuss the day I don't
turn up."
Sarita was
from the Vikas Finishing School for Ad Executives
(AEs) - admissions forms available on the reverse
of all artwork flaps. She had joined the same time
as Ram but mentally (at least to herself) had moved
far ahead.
"Did you
fill the appraisal form?" Ram asked her in
the cursory manner in which an umpire asks for the
third umpire's decision when both the runners are
at the same end.
"No silly! I will handle it when the appraisal
is actually happening, those forms aren't for me."
She then glided into Vikas' room. Ram knew lots
of 'raises' would be happening in the near future.
"He who
cannot uplift vital parts heemself must endure very
few raises," Chai-La (the Chinese canteen boy)
appeared with Ram's lunch and then disintegrated
into nothingness with Yoda like efficiency.
"I'm done
with my appraisal …Vikas tells me I'm a star,"
said Sarita after stepping out of Vikas' room. Ram
responded with the kind of smile the creative director
gives you when the client goes ga-ga over the servicing
guy's headline. He returned to the forms, like all
lesser equipped AEs and spent the night finishing
them, studiously devoting at least an hour on each
question.
Come Wednesday.
Ram's meeting with Vikas was at 11 am. There he
sat in Vikas' room waiting for him to arrive. Vikas
popped in at 11:07 am sharp (he scheduled all meetings
around times that had some element of 7 in them
but that's another story).
"Hey Chief,
all set?" Vikas asked with the vintage 'concern'
every servicing person is so equipped with. "Yes,"
Ram replied not knowing what to expect. The butterflies
were doing the samba in his belly and it did not
really help that he had eaten scrambled eggs for
breakfast that morning (but let's not anda-estimate
the boy…)
"So how
has the last year been?" Vikas opened with
the classic sucker punch. Ram knew he was onto something
dangerous here but really had no prior experience
to fall back on. "Well I think I learnt a lot,"
Ram started with a seemingly neutral remark. "What
did you learn?" Vikas was quick on the counter.
Chai-La drifted in with tea cups looked at Ram and
telepathically whispered, "The truth doesn't
help you deliver artworks… why should eet help
een your appraisal?" Vikas faintly felt the
buzz of static electricity caused by this 'telecommunication'
in the room but waved it off as his magnetic personality
kicking in.
"I learnt
how to look beyond the minor details and see the
larger picture. I learnt how to juggle a lot of
tasks and yet deliver satisfaction and value to
client. I learnt that I was part of a brand unit
that was dedicated to clients' cause and would stop
at nothing to deliver," Ram could scarcely
believe his own ears, how he hated himself for spewing
such rubbish.
"Ohhh
kkk," Vikas was slightly taken aback by Ram's
over enthusiastic participation. He had to regain
the initiative quickly. "That reminds me. Mr
Bose has been complaining a lot about you,"
Vikas said going in for the 'firing of gun from
client's shoulder' maneuver.
"What
about?" Ram was pretty certain the client was
under control, at least he had taken double the
care to ensure that no goof-ups had happened over
the last few days.
"You are
only as good as your last period… please word
that differently when you tell that to members of
the opposite sex," he had remembered Chai-La's
advice.
"Weeelll…
you know you started out very badly with him…"
Vikas continued.
"But no
one starts out well with Mr Bose, even his reflection
has problems."
"But Chief
that's your job… you got to handle him that's
what makes you a star… look at Sarita. She
has her clients wrapped around her finger."
Sarita, of
course, had managed to excuse herself from difficult
clients like Mr Bose and had got herself a client
who would make Rip Van Winkle seem hyperactive in
comparison. Smart Sarita.
"But aren't
clients different and don't we evaluate people who
handle them differently?" Ram countered with
the 'my job is unique… man!' strategy.
"It's
the same job… you have the same deliverables,
look at her she practically has her client eating
out of her hands…"
"Well
I don't want Bose to be eating out of my hands…
I just want to do the right thing for the brand."
"Listen
Chief…the biggest brand you build is yourself
and you are not doing well there."
Ram stopped
in his tracks dead, like his hamstring had just
snapped, and listened because for the first time
in his life Vikas was probably telling him something
of great value. "How do I do that?" He
asked awaiting enlightenment.
"You've
got to be more like me."
"When
I came in I was just like you, that's why I like
you somewhat. You remind me of the times I used
to be dumb and stupid. But that was in the past.
Now look at me. I have moved up and am currently
the brightest new star in the industry," Vikas
was actually glowing when he said that. Closer inspection
revealed that one of the blinds had fluttered open
and the sun was peeking through.
Ram resisted
the urge to call the local astronomy center about
the new 'star' sighting, only because he was confused
between feeling good and deeply insulted.
"But never
mind Chief, you will learn…just follow my lead.
Now just get on with your other jobs for the day."
"But what
about the feedback you are supposed to give me on
my performance?"
"Huh…
I see you have listed all your f**k ups here in
chronological order …Ha, ha that's rich. How
do you expect to get confirmed after that?"
"But isn't
the appraisal system meant to be the place where
you take stock of the past year, look at all your
mistakes, learn from them and go forward?"
Ram thought he detected a distinct snicker on Vikas'
face.
"Tut,
tut Chief. You sound like you really need to spend
more time with me. Wake up! You aren't in a Disney
movie… this is the real world. You have actually
listed at least four goof ups here that might cause
a problem for you."
Vikas held
his brows together in his trademark 'deep thought'
routine. "I tell you what …just write
in your form that you learnt a lot working under
me and I will see what I can do for you. Don't worry...
if I say it no one can stand in the way of your
confirmation."
Ram walked
out of the room like a man who had just been mugged,
or whose conveyance voucher had been unjustifiably
held up… you take your pick.
"Hey sweetie…how
did it go?" Sarita's words disrupted the stream
of wonderfully crafted swear words that were forming
in his mind.
"Uh…not
so good I think."
"Hey you,
want any help I will put in a good word for you.
You know how Vikas respects my opinion."
"What
should I do? Do I mention you as well in my appraisal
form?"
"No sweetie.
We are friends aren't we?" Sarita smiled. Ram
for a moment felt that she wasn't that bad after
all.
"I need
to go for a party tonight. Just take care of my
artworks for me. It might take all night. But they
are very urgent. And you know how I hate this studio
business. You will handle it for me. Wont you sweetie?"
Sarita did not even wait for Ram's reply as she
zoomed into the elevator and towards freedom.
Ram slumped
into his chair. Lay his head down on the table.
"Eet is not what you fill in the form. Eet
is what you fill between your boss' ears that matters,"
Chai-La's words of wisdom stirred Ram.
He lifted his
head to glimpse the tea cup on his table and was
blinded by a blazing flash of light as Chai-La made
his exit into the space time continuum.
 Vinay
Kanchan - currently client services director with
Everest Integrated Communications Limited. He started
his career in Lintas (now Lowe). Kanchan is also
a soccer freak and organises soccer games for like-minded
members of the media fraternity residing in Mumbai's
suburbs. He can be contacted at vinaykanchan@hotmail.com.
(The
views expressed here are those of the author and
indiantelevision.com need not necessarily subscribe
to the same)
|
