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Pitch
- a process, during which an agency approaches a
client with the intention of acquiring his business,
usually marked by 'environmentally friendly activities'
like recycling research, strategy and creative.
Also a time for secrecy as none other than the 'core'
committee are supposed to be in the know (Remember
I didn't tell you that).
"Me
says you start working on the peetch," Chai-La,
the office's Chinese canteen boy said as he handed
Ram Shankar his morning cup. Ram who was in the
midst of making his job list for the day looked
up in amazement. "How did you know?" Chai-La
smiled, much like one of those utterly respectful
looking Chinese monks from any of the kung-fu movies
you chose to remember. "I know these theengs."
Ram
grabbed his cup and went to his boss's room.
"Hey
who should we be briefing on the pitch?" Ram
asked his boss, Vikas Khanna. Vikas, who was in
the midst of talking to some creative types (some
pretty ones at that) looked up with the kind of
condescending look usually reserved for naïve
fans arguing in favour of Anna Kournikova's tennis
skills. "Chief!" Vikas started, and then
realizing that he wanted to make a 'point' continued
in an even louder tone.
"When
will you guys understand the importance of keeping
a lid on things?" Vikas stood up, clearly miffed.
The two creative girls (Tanya and Sonia if you really
must know) sensing that some unpleasantness was
in the air scurried off faster than your first salary
paycheck. With the audience gone, Vikas relented
and put his arm around Ram, building up to a moment
of knowledge transference between two souls.
"A
pitch is a very secretive thing. No one, but just
no one is supposed to know of it. At times we don't
even tell the creative what brand the work is being
done for."
"But
… I thought six other agencies were invited"
"Shhhh
not so loud…"
"And
people in office will see the work being done. They
will know."
"That's
where you have to be on your toes. You've got to
block their view using any means possible."
"I
am depending on you to do that. That's one of your
major tasks for the pitch," Vikas strolled
off in pursuit of loftier things like solving the
global warming problem (actually just to get the
AC in his room fixed).
Ram's mind went back a few days. To trace the sequence
of events that had brought this mess upon himself.
And as it happens it all began at a media party.
A media party to celebrate the launch of…???
Who remembers the reason for a media party anyways?
A slurred voice sounded near the bar (usually the
best place for OTS at such venues). "Ahhh my
agency is bad! Very bad! Bad is not the word for
them…" Those mistaking this tirade for
an audition of the classic Michael Jackson track
(new remix version), could be forgiven. Mr Katcha
West, marketing manager of 'Uniquely New Developments
Involving Elongated Socks' (in industry parlance
- UNDIES), was a man you did not want to 'undie'estimate.
Not just because of his Japanese mother and American
father heritage that made him the butt of some very
cruel World War 2 jokes, but mainly because of the
advertising budget of nearly Rs 500 million (card
rate of course) that he had at his disposal.
Ram was in the vicinity when that remark was made.
Within minutes people from various agencies, exchanging
cards and making appointments, swamped Mr West.
The force of this new business wave (tsunami actually)
was such that Ram suddenly found himself shaking
hands with West and making an appointment for a
presentation.
That was Friday night. Today was Wednesday and it
was the day that the servicing team was supposed
to brief the creative.
"A breef is not needed… seek and you shall
find the answer already is there," was Chai-La's
early morning tea riddle.
Time flew by. It was 2 pm and everyone gathered
in the conference room. "What's the brief?"
PP, the creative director asked, twirling his 'you
can hang all the servicing guys here' whiskers.
"You want a brief for UNDIES?" Vikas chirped.
"The brief," PP continued patiently tolerating
the 'servicing guy's pun. "Aha the brief. What's
the brief Ram?"
Vikas
quickly turned the spotlight on Ram. "But…
but." Ram nearly was choking with rage. He
had spent the past two days trying to get Vikas
to come along for a meeting with Mr West, but Vikas
was busier trying to maintain India's foreign relations
(meaning chatting with French and American women
and trying to deflower them on the Net), so the
days had flown by and no meeting had happened. "I
was trying to fix a meeting but…" Vikas
jumped in. "But these bachcha's of today can't
do anything you tell them …anyways kuch
kar de yaar don't worry I will backfit a strategy
and sell it to the client."
Vikas quickly strolled out of the room. PP's gaze
met Ram's, he had a smile on his face, "Tension
mat le," and continued the 'twist whisk'
routine that was a signal for all servicing underlings
to leave the room..
Later when they sat to review what was needed to
be done Vikas remarked, "Ram get some research
organized, we need to fill in 40 slides." Ram
protested, "But shouldn't the slide count be
more connected to what our strategy is and how many
slides are actually needed to put the point across?"
Vikas gave him the same condescending look described
earlier.
"We
need 127 slides totally!"
"Why?"
Ram innocently asked. "Because 127 totals 10,
which means 1 and that's a winning number …its
all scientific, in fact, we have never lost a pitch
when the slide count is 127."
"Ahhh
numbers there is great power in them" Chai-La
popped in, laying down two teacups and then seeming
to vanish in the wall.
"So
what do we fill in these slides?"
"I
don't care you can do what you want but just stick
to the target. In fact dig up the researches done
on all the brands and just use whatever is useful."
"How
do I know what would be?" Ram enquired"
""Hold
the research report facing the first rays of the
sun at 9 am sharp, then make a pencil stand on the
paper, perpendicular to it, where the shadow cast
by the pencil ends you have the point to be selected,
do this for every page."
Ram
regretted having asked.
The
next few days were traumatic. Ram had spent two
days wondering whether he should take Vikas's point
of not allowing anyone to see the work in progress
seriously or not. He did feel a faint pang of guilt
whenever some passer by managed to get a fleeting
glance at the under clothed women being scanned
(all right men if that suits you).
"Nothing
remains a secret forever, least of all peetches,"
Chai-La's pearls of wisdom over the morning teacup.
Came
the day where creative had to be reviewed. 24
hours before the pitch began. The teams gathered
somberly in the conference room. There was a hushed
silence broken only by Rams pencil falling down
as he tried to catch the sunrays on the report.
"So
what do we have?" Mr Raichand, the CEO of the
agency, asked. "Nothing yet but we will tell
you once we have something. As usual there is no
brief and we are groping in the dark. Which might
be great for sex but hardly helps me create good
advertising." PP was on a roll here. Speaking
of rolls Ram could have done with some breakfast.
This entire '9 am sunrays thing' was getting to
him.
"Why
is there no brief?" boomed the CEO, Ram was
shaken and stirred by the sudden mood change but
not Vikas.
With
the coolness of a circus clown trying to do the
lion tamer's job (ok that was not the right reference
but as I said everyone was shaken) Vikas said, "I
think we need to break all conventions in the category
to win this pitch. We should be causing a disruption
in the market place. We should be doing what none
of the other agencies do. We never win by following
what others do. We win when we tread our own path."
How Ram wished he had read the same book.
"All
that is fine so how are we being different?"
Mr Raichand still wanted to know.
"No brief. We aren't giving the creative a
brief. Nobody does that." Vikas concluded with
the panache of an account executive making an entry
into a media party sans invite (as we all know panache
is very important here).
Ram looked at Mr Raichand. His head was furrowed
in thought. "Good. Very good. I like that.
No brief. That's brilliant. Good show Vikas."
Ram was shaking his head when PP looked at him and
gave him a wry smile. "Lets go for it guys
I think we have something here. A winner strategy.
Let the creative now deliver. Vikas message me the
address of the clients and the time of the presentation.
Go for it boys," the CEO departed and with
him Vikas as though he was a slightly detached body
accessory.
"PP was left causing severe stress to his moustache.
"That @#$%^" I will get him for this"
Ram was still dumbstruck by the speed of the whole
KMK 'Kholo Maro Khisko' Vikas maneuver. "I
know what, we will just recycle all the stuff that
we did for the lollipop presentation last week with
a few changes ….akhir yahan lollipop alag
hain… Ha, ha, ha." The room laughed
along in a forced manner when Chai-La came in with
the customary chais. As he was giving Ram his cup
he whispered, "I told you the answer already
lies weetheen," and left before Ram could formally
appoint him his Shaolin master.
9 am. UNDIES head office.
The agency team, the equipment guys and any other
people you might choose to make up the number 14
(again from the Vikas school of thought) show up.
"Yes," the receptionist croons, "And
you are here for?" "Mr Katcha West,"
Vikas snickers.
"He
isn't here anymore with us."
Jaws dropped down like the Dow Jones after 9/11.
Ram's heart sank with the speed of a U-boat scooting
after sinking one of her majesty's battleships.
"Surely you must be mistaken," Vikas said,
giving the receptionist his by now legendary condescending
look.
"I am not sir. He was fired by the company
last week."
"Hmmm,"
Vikas turned around and felt 14 pairs of smoldering
eyes burning holes in his shirt and infinitely more
tender parts (actually only 13 pairs, Ram's eyes
were shut from all that '9am sunrays thing')
"Why
could you not check before fixing this 'meeting'?"
the CEO barked.
"Well
I called him 30 something times, left messages,
sent him e-mails, even sent him a Scotch bottle
but the bugger never replied." Ram thought
Vikas' improvisation skills merited him a place
on Whose Line is it Anyway? The only people
Vikas had communicated with over the past week were
Sultry Suzie and Amorous Alice on the Net.
"Anyways nothing ventured, nothing gained,"
Vikas continued. "At least we have a campaign
for all the other underwear manufacturers in the
country."
"But
wouldn't their requirements and their products be
different?" Ram muttered under his breath.
"No
chief. Katcha hi to hain. How different are they?
We must learn to shrug off setbacks, and I think
this is more of an opportunity than a setback. It's
a great learning experience. Look at it this way;
we are ready for any underwear business. Brief or
no brief. I feel we might as well develop proactive
campaigns for at least 10 other categories so that
we are always ready."
Game.
Set and Match.
"Eets
all the same. Only their physical manifestations
are different," Ram could almost imagine Chai-
La telling him that back at the office.
The
CEO patted Vikas on his back. "Very good. I
feel like we have achieved something over here.
We are readier. We are hungrier. We are better…
we… let's just go and open a few bottles. Let's
discuss corporate strategy over a few beers."
PP
groaned. Ram felt no better.
Life
was a pitch.
 Vinay
Kanchan - currently client services director with
Everest Integrated Communications Limited. He started
his career in Lintas (now Lowe). Kanchan is also
a soccer freak and organises soccer games for like-minded
members of the media fraternity residing in Mumbai's
suburbs. He can be contacted at vinaykanchan@hotmail.com.
(The
views expressed here are those of the author and
indiantelevision.com need not necessarily subscribe
to the same)
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