‘Miss Tanakpur Haazir Ho’…Gayee bhens paani mei!

MUMBAI: The genres for film stories have become limited after television took over some of them, such as family dramas, mythological and to some extent, horror.  In a quest to find newer themes away from regular genres, filmmakers have been trying to experiment. While a few of them do find interesting themes that result in films like Dirty Picture, Queen, Vicky Donor and Piku, most come out as a poor spectacle resulting in the ‘No Audience, No Show’ genre. Miss Tanakpur Haazir Ho falls into an entirely new genre called ‘Bizarre.’


Tanakpur, a small town in UP, has this annual best bhains (buffalo) contest. And the winner is… Annu Kapoor’s bhains, who has come to him as part of dowry from the family of Hrishita Bhatt, his wife. She is crowned Miss Tanakpur. Kapoor is the town head with a sidekick in Ravi Kissen. Kapoor has problems related to sex life and tries various remedies prescribed by a quack he finds at a local fair.


Kapoor is much older to Hrishita and suspects his wife of having an affair with someone younger. For all such problems and others, the town has a kind of black magic man in Sanjay Mishra who is reputed to have turned a perfectly virile man into a eunuch and vice versa, among other such miracles. Kapoor seeks his help to find who his wife is having an affair with.


Mishra is a full blown fraud tantric who mumbles some mumbo jumbo and asks his patron to perform weird and filthy rituals. (That’s the maker’s idea of comedy besides being obsessed with human faeces and animal dung. The film is generously peppered with reference to these substances.)


Finally, Kapoor catches Hrishita’s sympathiser, Rahul Bagga, red-handed with her in his bedroom. Kapoor and his goons beat him to a pulp, with a crowd gathering to witness the scene. But now Kapoor and his men are not sure how to explain this beating of Bagga. Telling everyone that Kapoor’s wife was having an affair with him would ruin Kapoor’s reputation. After all, he was the town head and aspiring for an MLA ticket.


Kapoor finds a way out. Bagga is accused of raping Kapoor’s bhains. The story gets weirder. With Om Puri as the local cop who is easy to bribe and a vet who is too weak to protest, reports of rape are generated and a case filed. The court case begins with finally the magistrate wanting to interrogate the ‘victim’. In the process, some more poorly conceived comic scenes are force-fitted in the film.


There is an institution called Khap, active in parts of North India, whose help Kapoor seeks. Khap considers itself above the law. The Khap sits on a judgements on Bagga and issues a diktat that he marry the bhains for his misdeed. The marriage is being solemnised, when the bhains plays the role of a runaway bride, taking to the highway as fast as she could. Having run out of corny ideas, the makers call it quits. There is no climax as such. You are just told that the wrongdoers, Puri, Kapoor, Kissen and Sharma are booked and punished by the law. Bagga and Hrishita live happily ever after.


With a poor conception, poorer scripting and amateur handling, this purported satire turns into an inane farce. The film has some good capable artistes in Puri, Kapoor, Sharma and Kissen but all are at sea here. Hrishita is in a few scenes and all of them seem to have been taken in one go even before she could change her expressions. Bagga wears a lost look through the film and one can’t blame him for that.


Miracles don’t happen at the box office and none expected for Miss Tanakpur Haazir Ho.


Producers: Crossword Films Production, Fox Star Studios’

Director: Vinod Kapri.

Cast: Om Puri, Annu Kapoor, Ravi Kissen, Hrishita Bhatt, Rahul Bagga. 

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