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The
trophy spouse: - Natures way of balancing things.
A shameless modification of the law of conservation
indicates that beauty and brains must exist in two
separate corpuses and only when they come together
in the holy union of matrimony is societal equilibrium
achieved. However the process of conducting business
callously, does create fissures that contest this
stable state.
"Ah!"
started Vikas, with a satisfied grunt. "There
is nothing quite like sinking your teeth into a new
business, the possibilities it offers at an intellectual
level, the challenges it throws our way everyday…"
"Look
I know we are standing here aimlessly waiting,"
butted in PP (the creative director of the exaggerated
moustache fame). But that does not mean we need to
be subjected to your verbal diarrhea."
Vikas
felt a surge of anger running through his ice cool veins and then discovered the
ice cool veins were as a result of being a touch too close to the AC vent.
Dharti
(the strategy head) shot a glance at Vikas and that
seemed to calm him down. Ram (the last man standing
usually) noticed the 'moment' that happened there
with a faint tinge of jealousy. Ok, admittedly it
was much more than just 'faint'.
PP,
Vikas, Dharti, Sarita (Vikas's external organ but
otherwise at Ram's level) and Planimus (the gladiatorial
media planning head) were huddled in the lobby in
an endeavor to welcome the new client at the agency
doorstep, albeit the wave of internal cynicism that
from there, 'it would be progressively all downhill.'
The
president had wrangled this one completely on his
own, apparently on a flight, just as the plane reached
Mumbai, but then expectedly struck the 'circling malaise'.
"When others went around in circles, I took the
straight and narrow and closed the deal," the
president had informed them on a triumphant conference
call, with typical modesty.
As the cheers had erupted in the office, he added
further, "They
will be visiting our office in a few days, as I will
be away on vacation. I expect you guys to handle it."
"No
problem" jumped in Vikas, "we are on it",
with the earnestness of a male beaver building his
bridges during the mating season.
"One
more point, they always move as a couple and the thing to remember is that the
person who influences things is the …"
Cheers
erupted in the office again as the customary round
of spirits made their rounds in glassware to seek
resonance with those in a more ethereal form. The
president had hung up at the other end.
"What
did he say?" queried Ram in his customary diligent manner.
"Nothing,
he just said, one member of the couple is more the
influencer, and we all know who that will be."
Vikas had dismissed Ram's innocent query with typical
disdain.
As
they stood in the lobby with bated breath, the elevator
doors clicked alive and out strode the couple in question.
The man was of such breath taking aesthetic endowment-
that a small puddle of saliva began developing near
Dharti and Sarita's feet.
The
lady was bespectacled, pleasant looking with rather forthright hair. Ram noticed
there was a little something about her that eluded immediate quantification. After
the usual round of hand shakes and a rather overzealous 'air kissing' extravaganza,
all the concerned were quickly transported to the conference room.
"There
is always more than what meets the eye, sometimes
appearances can truly lie."
The express delivery of the tea cup, the trademark wisdom pearl and Chai-La, the
mystical canteen tea boy, had vanished into Sarita's mirror as she examined her
lipstick alignment, the turbulence causing her to smear her face a touch. "Excuse
me" she murmured like an embarrassed virgin, 'touched for the very first
time' and bashfully retreated to more private quarters temporarily.
Ram
paused with pen in hand, as always, waiting to record
the monumental events that were afoot. At least that's
what he told himself to make the onerous task of capturing
discussions in meetings seem more meaningful.
"What
is the business that you are in?" began Dharti,
with her eyes transfixed on her handsome new client.
"Mr Henpecker, that's quite a unique surname
I might add."
The hunk beamed back at her, a trifle embarrassed,
while his better half replied.
"Actually
it's my house name. Adam and I met when I was the
chief guest at some event where he was walking the
ramp. I fell for him the moment he turned around and
strutted back," she patted his hand fondly at
that moment, "so I sought him out backstage and
after the usual things that happen, proposed to him.
He has been with me ever since, my faithful, loyal
husband. He even changed his surname to mine, isn't
that sweet? Most people actually think he runs the
company, fancy that. But then, as the meetings go
on, they realize who wears the trousers. By the way
I'm Helen."
There
was a silent murmur in the room. Nobody quite knew how to react.
"Of
course, very magnanimous of him and all that,"
said Vikas, for once speaking to the relief of all
from the agency, even PP was a touch stumped at that
moment.
"We
are launching a range of swings in this country," began Helen, suddenly in
a tone that would have caused many sea faring captains to change their course. "They
are unique in the sense that they can be programmed according to mood. If you
are in a bad mood, the swinging momentum is reduced and as your mood picks up,
so does the oscillation of the swing…"
"In
fact, it can be said that we take care of your mood
swings," butted in Adam.
Ram
chuckled. The others were about to laugh when they
held back their expressions as they spotted the severe
look on Helen's face.
"There
Adam," she mildly reprimanded him, running her hand through his impeccably
set hair and toying with his earlobes, "leave this to me, I am briefing them,
aren't I?" Adam
smiled back sportingly and the other women in the room instantly began dreaming
about running around trees with him. Sarita actually had a look that would have
forced censor boards to review what was permissible as far as meeting room fantasies
go.
Helen's
trained eyes detected rival affections with the focus
of a women's kitty party group, finding the discount
corner in a superstore.
"Adam,
why don't you show Sarita the cool windscreen wipers
on our new car and also get the three magazines I
was reading," she ordered with queen like authority.
"But…"
began Adam, and Helen firmly pressed his hand. He
stood up and smiled Sarita's way. She was only to
glad to be with him, wherever that would be.
"Vikas,"
said Helen, "I don't want that girl on my account,
is that understood? I don't want her back in the room."
Vikas
thought about complaining, but found his mind, tongue
and other faculties in some sort of grip that wasn't
his own. He merely texted Sarita that she wouldn't
be needed in the meeting anymore and promptly switched
off his cell.
Adam
returned with the three magazines. Helen cursorily
took them from him and flung them aside. Ram thought
he detected a hurt expression in Adam's eyes.
"We
need the agency to firstly devise a brand name, something that would really capture
our product in a favorable light and make consumers aspire to possess one…"
"What
about web swinger?" jumped in Adam, "our
product has something to do with the internet, so
that should certainly ring true."
A
room full of blank expressions stared back at Adam, most of them kindly.
"Adam,"
Helen explained, with almost condescendingly avuncular
patience. "Consumers
can only place orders on our website that's standard
for most businesses today. The internet is in no way
integral to our product offering and this is the third
time I have told you that."
Sensibly no one from the agency troubled
the air waves at that moment.
"We
need a brand name, a logo and a slogan," continued
Helen, "that should start things off nicely;
we can discuss the campaign deliverables post finalising
these."
"What
about, 'we swing both ways for you', for the baseline? I think that will be really
cool," Adam quipped in, again with optimistic exuberance. Years
of heartburn has taught agencies that silence is a great ally at times where unpleasant
marital emotion menacingly lurks and this learning has been transmitted through
the collective DNA of almost every advertising agency in the world.
To
cut a long story short, nobody again replied from
the agency side.
"Adam,
we are trying to sell a swing, not some erogenous enabler," erupted Helen,
slapping her man on the wrist, her intelligent eyes blazing with the 'shame' that
her spouse was so passionately bent on causing her. Adam
stood up, all of six feet three inches, washboard abs, bulging biceps and wafer
thin waistline. Helen instinctively started stroking his back.
"You
never listen to any of my ideas. I feel so worthless
around you, you are so insensitive," he blurted,
choking back some tears."I am going down to the
car," he announced and with the speed of an athlete,
trying to get away from the smell of his own socks,
exited the room.
Helen
cast an understanding smile on the audience and followed suit, telling Vikas as
she left the room that she would connect later.
"What
an idiot!" began Vikas.
"But a very hot one," chuckled Dharti.
"I pity him," remarked Planimus.
"I think he is smarter than
we give him credit for," was PP's contribution.
They all left the
room, leaving Ram to clear up. "It
is common knowledge from Cairo to Rome; it takes more than two bodies to make
a happy home." The
hushed oriental tone, the express delivery of the tea cup and Chai-La had disintegrated
into the Yin-Yang poster on the wall. One
of the rare times when the quizzical rhyme was not lost on Ram.
 The
writer is an independent strategic & ideation
consultant. He is also the patron saint of Juhu Beach
United, a football club that celebrates the "unfit,
out of breath media professional of today." You
can write to him at (vinaykanchan@hotmail.com).
(The
views expressed here are those of the author and Indiantelevision.com need
not necessarily subscribe to the same) | 
