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The agency churn phenomenon: - One of the
big problems facing the industry today is that
more people seem to be exiting it than the number
of people leaving the stadium (or abandoning
their TV sets) after India wins the toss and
puts the opposition in. This has resulted in
agencies resorting to some quite innovative
measures to handle existing client relationships.
The
client, Mr. C. R. Yadav (popularly called Mr.
CRY within the agency), paused as he gathered
his thoughts in the agency conference room.
There were a few apprehensions that he felt,
namely because this was the sixth time in seven
months that he was being introduced to a new
team to handle his business. .
Vikas,
sat poised at the other end of the table, briefly
dwelling on his customary ritual of adjusting
the alignment of his tie, in the glasses of
the person immediately in front. That was doing
little to alleviate the discomfort that Mr.
CRY was already feeling.
To
Vikas's right sat a rather formal looking chap,
sporting a thin pencil like moustache and a
generous paunch. There were a few white strands
of hair randomly sprinkled across his head.
Vikas had introduced him as Shyam, the new account
supervisor on the business.
"His
junior Ram, is presently away at another client
meeting. But these two will be taking care of
your business. They are the best team we have
and I'm sure they will not disappoint you. I,
of course will interject from time to time to
help them when it comes to overall brand strategy
and vision, but these are the necks you need
to catch daily." Vikas ended with a calculated
chuckle, uttered to connote that he had a sense
of humor and that he was not to be bothered
with mere operational things. Mr. CRY was humorless
(one of the basic reasons for his name).
"I have heard the same words many times
before. In fact six to be precise, and somehow
all the people who work on my business always
seem to magically disappear and I'm left with
completely new people about whom I'm rather
unsure how much time to invest in, because I'm
sure they will be on their way as well shortly."
Mr.
CRY wiped an exasperated brow with his handkerchief
feeling a touch better after having vented some
of his frustration; the same could not have
been said about the handkerchief. It bore tell
tale scars of a long and sordid tale.
"The client's tale of woe is always about
the average Joe." The hushed oriental tone
unraveled a conundrum of wisdom in Shyam's ears
and Chai-La (the mystical Chinese canteen boy)
had express delivered the tea cup in Shyam's
hands and vanished among the furrows of doubt
that were being formed on Mr. CRY's forehead.
Mr.
CRY though, was momentarily astonished with
the speed with which the tea cup appeared in
Shyam's hands, but put it down to an 'out of
the world, in house, catering service', which
wasn't very far from the truth.
"And
if they are a team then why isn't the junior
guy over here? This is out first meeting and
I wanted to speak with both of them together."
"Don't
worry Sir; I will completely debrief him on
our meeting. We almost work as one and there
should be no issues of coordination at all."
Those words were the first that Shyam had uttered
since the meeting had started. His voice was
curiously muffled and was like something from
some famous movie which one couldn't immediately
place.
Mr.
CRY's eyes shone like there was suddenly and
unexpectedly, Angelina (sans the Pitt) somewhere
on a not so distant horizon. "That is what
I have wanted to hear from a long time, because
so many times the two members of my account
team are utterly confused. One does not know
what the other is doing and that makes me want
to tear my hair out."
"You
can't even imagine how these two guys think
alike. Coordination between them will never
be an issue on the account. I can guarantee
that," said Vikas thumping the table with
some amount of emphasis, frightening all the
data bits on Mr. CRY's laptop. He flashed a
mysteriously mocking smile at Shyam, that had
Shyam not known otherwise, could have been interpreted
as obscene.
PP,
the creative director of the handlebar moustache
fame, popped his head into the conference room
and his face distorted into a momentary display
of unfettered anguish when he glimpsed Mr. CRY.
"Ah!
How have you been sir?"
"Not
very well, thanks to the way you fellows are
treating my account. I see so many people in
creative leave that there is no consistency
in the creative product. At least Vikas has
assured me that the servicing problem has been
solved with Shyam taking charge of the account.
I hope to see a similar solution on the creative
front as well" said Mr. CRY looking at
Shyam with almost paternal affection.
PP
diverted his gaze to Shyam and for a moment
Shyam and Vikas actually thought they saw his
moustache jump. But he quickly regained his
composure before other untrained eyes could
detect anything amiss.
"Welcome
on board Shyam. Hope you are able bring stability
to the account." He concluded, feeling
a dire need to leave the room, as there was
a tremendous backlog of mirth that was building
in his system, and he needed to purge that instantly
to survive. "I want a similar solution
on the creative front PP."
"I
will handle it sir, but trust me you don't want
a SIMILAR solution," quipped PP as Vikas
angrily began tapping his fingers on the table.
"I
will call you and tell you who I will put on
your business on a permanent basis, got to go
now," concluded PP as his head vanished
from behind the door.
A
huge explosion of sound followed. Like all the
elephants in the word in a rare and not to be
repeated moment of synergy had chosen to blow
their noses at the same time.
Mr.
CRY cowered in his chair in alarm. Vikas patted
his hand in a sagely manner.
"That's
only PP, he probably understood the joke I told
him two weeks back," vintage Vikas, covering
his tracks, as well as using the same opportunity
to run down his arch nemesis.
"Shyam
now has to leave for another client meeting,
but Ram has just messaged me that he will be
here in five minutes. So don't worry we can
continue when he arrives."
Shyam
solemnly shook hands with Mr. CRY (curiously
limp handshake) and staggered out of the room.
He
made straight for the men's room, pausing briefly
to exchange smiles with PP and his team who
were rolling on the ground with laughter.
Entering
the cloakroom he looked at himself in the mirror.
Spat out the two pieces of chewing gum that
he had in his mouth, changed the tie, tucked
in his paunch to the extent that was humanly
possible, washed off the white strands from
his hair and erased his pencil thin moustache.
Then he put on his spectacles, God, he had been
hardly able to see anything in the meeting.
And Ram Shankar stood in front of the mirror.
His
mind went back to the previous day's conversation
with Vikas.
"Look
chief we need to put two people on this account,
it's in a deep mess. Everyone on it has left
over the past seven months. I don't have any
new people so you have to manage. We need a
person your level and one immediate boss, say
a supervisor."
"What
about my boss?"
There
was an evil glint in Vikas's eyes.
"There
is a DVD of Golmaal in the library, watch it
intently tonight. Also study the Godfather accent.
I want to be able to mimic that for tomorrow.
You are going to be your own boss." Vikas
ended with a high pitched sinister cackle
"How
can I do this? It's so wrong. Aren't we being
unfair to the client?"
"Unconfirmed
account executives never ask questions, they
only execute." And that had been the final
word on the issue.
Ram
strolled back into the conference room. Face
and hair cleanly washed, however conscience
is an altogether different issue.
"And
here is our account executive Ram," said
Vikas.
Ram engaged in a ferociously firm handshake
with Mr. CRY who was left silently yelping as
his hand had been conditioned for softer things
by Shyam.
"You
really look familiar," began Mr. CRY. "In
fact a lot like Shyam, just younger. Are you
related?"
The
question was tricky and needed instant contemplation.
"To cover a single lie, one has to utter
a thousand before you die," the hushed
Chinese tone in Ram's ear indicated Chai-La's
presence as did the tea cup which materialized
in Ram's hands out of nowhere.
Mr.
CRY gasped, "Even Shyam produced a tea
cup from nowhere a few minutes ago, you guys
must teach me that trick when you meet me together
the next time."
Ram
hurriedly looked round for Vikas, But like all
good bosses he had excused himself from the
scene long before trouble came knocking,
"It's like this sir, Shyam is my elder
brother. But we don't really see eye to eye,
which is why even though we can work wonderfully
well together, it is impossible because of family
reasons for both of us to ever be in the same
room…."
As he was mouthing these words, Ram realized
that this would be the longest meeting of his
life.
 The
writer is Vice President, Rediffusion DY&R.
He is also the patron saint of Juhu Beach United,
a football club that celebrates the 'unfit,
out of breath media professional of today'.
You can write to him at (vinaykanchan@hotmail.com).
(The
views expressed here are those of the author
and Indiantelevision.com need not necessarily
subscribe to the same)
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