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A
consultant: - An outside entity who is paid to bring
objectivity, expertise and insight into a client's
working. However, the only skill that he seems to
employ is the art of collating comments made from
diverse sources, processing and polishing then a touch
and then presenting them as his own, with aplomb.
This insidious transference of the source of an idea,
many a times results in its full throated approval.
(For all those of you who make a career doing this,
kudos to you, I wish I was in your place, and in case
anyone is hiring I have my id at the bottom)
"Old
Chinese Proverb, words spoken by someone who is being
paid through your nose always sound better, though
a little nasal," the hushed Chinese accent, the
express delivery of the tea cup in Ram's hand and
Chai-La (the mystical Chinese canteen tea boy) had
vanished into the absurdness of his comment before
anyone could pause to notice.
The
agency team had gathered in the client's office to
discuss the impending launch of a multinational competitor.
Since this was typically the kind of news that sends
thorn rimmed shivers down the spines of the marketing
department, the client had decided to call in the
cavalry. Word was sent out to the Big C, the clients
marketing consultant.
The
Big C was almost a reverential name in the industry.
People swore by his name-at errant laser printers,
red card happy referees and overindulgent accountants.
His appearance was immaculate. He always seemed to
have gadgets that were a few years ahead of everything
else present in the room (a minor alteration on the
system clock did help).
He was a master of business models and never passed
up a single opportunity to know them better. This
had resulted in three divorces at last count. He featured
regularly in media. His opinions were sought after
by all and sundry, whenever the economy twisted in
its slumber. He was a man who had a reputation, which
wasn't something that anyone from the agency team
could honestly claim.
When
the Big C entered, a feeling of awe swept across the
room. Immediately the concept of the 'awe continuum'
came to the fore. The clients marketing team, featuring
Mr.Bose (the marketing head) and Mr. Lele (his external
organ), stared tongue tied as the Big C strode to
the head of the table. The agency's brand management
team (Vikas, Dharti and Ram) were also awed, but to
a lesser degree and PP (the creative director with
the trademark moustache) was very low on awe. In fact
he was staring with some amount of hostility at the
consultant.
"Welcome
friends, we have gathered here to discuss our future
strategy, especially given the competitive scenario.
Let us try and have a constructive discussion to arrive
at a long-
term
solution. I must thank the Big C also for kindly consenting
to grace us with his presence and hopefully we will
all get inspired to think better in his August company,
even though this is September."
Mr.
Bose paused to see if his wisecrack had gone down
well; the Big C smiled back boosting his confidence
multifold.
"And
now let's just begin the discussion, let it be a free
flowing exchange of ideas without fear of who is getting
hurt by what is being said, let's be brave, let's
think different. Let's question the conventions. Lets
just pull out all the stops to finding a winning solution,"
he concluded red faced from the exertion of talking
passionately, short of throwing down a blood stained
handkerchief on the table he had pretty much set the
mood. As it was wisely said it was too 'let' to turn
around.
"I
would like to hear what the agency has to say on the
issue. They are after all your brand custodians. They
will be in touch with the pulse of the consumer,"
began the Big C in a voice that demanded instant respect,
attention and clearance of outstanding bills. He then
unraveled a space age looking gadget that made the
usual laptops look like elementary level slates. As
everyone else looked on in envy he began punching
keys with the ferocity of a circus clown going through
his comic routine.
"Well,
we believe that we really have nothing to fear,"
began Vikas, in his confidently cherubic tone, and
then realizing he had hit a brick wall kicked Dharti
under the table.
"The reason for that is that we have created
new niches in the market and have sustained our value
proposition across non homogenous audiences across
the years, so we are prepared for any eventuality,"
Dharti, the agency's curvaceously crafted account
planning head, chipped in while maintaining unwavering
eye contact with the Big C.
The
Big C met her gaze and a wicked smile began to form
on the outlines of his lips that made Ram feel distinctly
jealous.
"The
only thing we need to do is keep advertising, so what
is they are multinationals, this is our country, different
rules apply here. We must increase our presence in
India, possibly even create new more relevant communication
that has international overtones" boomed PP,
reaching decibel levels that rearranged data on Big
C's wonder gadget.
The Big C was studiously at it on his machine when
the others were speaking. From time to time he was
checking the temperature in the room and was drawing
imaginary triangles of influence across the various
speakers in the room. He had an all knowing grin permanently
plastered on. Ram found all this very strange.
"Why
should we advertise? We should just stop and see what
they will do." That was Madhur Lele, first name
courtesy parents, the last endowed by the general
public.
"Absolute nonsense," exploded PP.
"That's completely short sighted," exclaimed
Vikas.
"Such mediocre thinking," commented the
receptionist (though outside the room and in a completely
different context)
"Lele
you better clear your marketing fundamentals,"
ended Mr. Bose, relishing the opportunity to make
his subordinate squirm.
The
Big C remained silent and did not raise his eyes above
the wonder gadget.
"We need a promotional scheme to keep the consumer
loyal initially," murmured Mr. Bose, "the
propensity to switch might be high initially."
"Yes
that's true Mr. Bose, research shows that if morality
is falling, brand loyalty is never something that
should be taken for granted," cooed Dharti in
a manner that immediately made her appear intelligent,
or was it the lighting in the room?
"Well,
what do you have to say?" The Big C suddenly
asked Ram, emphasizing on the underline. To say that
the question had caught Ram in the cold would be detrimental
to the idea of an understatement.
In
his bewildered state he glanced down at Vikas's cell
phone and drew inspiration from the logo.
"Maybe
we need a motto," he said with uncertainity.
The rest of the room erupted in laughter, the loudest
guffaws emanating from Madhur Lele who was thrilled
to get the opportunity to mock someone for a change.
As
the mirth subsided, Mr. Bose asked the Big C the inevitable
question.
"What do you have to say, sir?"
The
Big C motioned him to be silent and upped the tempo
of his interaction with the wonder gadget, lights
were flashing and techno sounds were squealing in
digital agony. Finally he triumphantly raised his
eyes and looked at the room. He paused for a full
minute and then stood to his full height. He casually
sauntered around the room in a manner that made everyone
uncomfortable. Then he stopped dead center.
"This
is an interesting and challenging problem, luckily
my years of experience and cutting edge technology
have enabled me to come up with the right tool that
we must follow for success," he paused briefly
to caress the wonder gadget almost sensually.
"The tool is my trademarked model ACPM,
a brand defense module against aggression in the marketplace.
This is inspired by the ICBM, which famously formed
the bulwark of the security programs of many nations
around the world." He paused again drinking in
the awe, for those who keep status; even PP was jumping
up in intensity level on the 'awe continuum'.
"A
stands for await. Wait and watch first what the competition
will do, C stands for Counter or make our approach
more Contemporary and relevant. P stands for
Persevere with this strategy and if in doubt fall
back on Promotions and M stands for motto,
we need something that will drive morale within and
outside the organization, a kind of rallying call
that will inspire people to greater things. Something
that the agency will surely develop given their expertise."
He concluded as he triumphantly scribbled the acronym
on the board, adding the trademark symbol almost mechanically.
There
was a hushed silence in the room as everyone sat transfixed
taking in those alphabets. They seemed to have hypnotized
the room.
Mr.
Bose was the first to recover, "Thank you sir
that makes so much sense. We will all get down to
it. That was truly inspiring, ACPM, such a brilliant
model. We are very keen to apply it from today. You
have given us so much hope."
The
agency personnel grudgingly admitted that they were
floored by the new strategic initiative.
"We
will start work on the slogan," offered Vikas
helpfully, knowing full well that his remark would
cause PP's blood pressure to rise like a salmon out
of water.
Ram excused himself to leave the room, he deliberately
walked behind Big C's chair to sneak a peek at the
wonder gadget and what he saw made his jaw drop beyond
the confines of his face. There was nothing on the
other side of the impressive shell. It was just a
sophisticated game of '0's and X's' that the Big C
had been playing all along. The Big C caught him looking
at his little secret and shot back a refined but decidedly
dangerous glance that made Ram scurry to the men's
room even faster.
Back
in the office, Ram sat stooped in his chair. Trying
to write the minutes of the previous meeting, still
feeling slightly robbed on the whole.
"Your ideas make for meaningful meal, but if
you aren't careful someone will steal," the high
pitched cackle, the express delivery of the tea cup
and Chai-La disappeared in the words typed out in
bold on Ram's screen. ACPM
 After
stints at Lowe, Mudra and Everest the author is now
general manager Client Service Network Advertising.
In addition to that he is also patron saint of Juhu
Beach United - a movement that celebrates obesity
and the unfit 'out of breath' media professional of
today. To join up contact vinaykanchan@hotmail.com
(The
views expressed here are those of the author and Indiantelevision.com
need not necessarily subscribe to the same)
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