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The
Media Review - Most men have a problem comprehending
figures (except those of the female form). Figures
intimidate men and take them back to memories of how
euphoric they felt when they made it to college and
it dawned on them that mathematics was optional. These
men spend the best part of their lives ignoring any
numbers thrown their way. On the other hand there
are those (select few) whose very world is around
numerals. For whom creating pie charts, bar graphs
and any other vulgar representations of data, is like
chicken soup for the soul. The media review is the
forum where these two opposing philosophies meet.
'One-two-three-four,
lord I can't take figures no more' the fake American
drawl failed to mask the heavy Chinese accent, as
Chai-La (the mystical Chinese canteen boy) delivered
his nursery rhyme sounding pearl of wisdom plus the
customary tea cup to Ram Shankar, before vanishing
into the footnote of a pie chart.
The
agency and the client teams had gathered for the annual
media review, taking place in the agency conference
room. It was meant to be a very important assessment
of where the client was spending his budgets and how
efficiently the agency was buying for him.
The
agency President had begun the meeting by saying,
"Planimus, our media head, has put together a
presentation that frankly made no sense to me. But
hopefully will be seen in a better light by all of
you. Can we have more lights please?" he finished
with a thunderous laugh, meant to awaken the dead
and generally frighten some of the numbers on the
presentation that were eager to come out.
Planimus, who was a person who did his media plans
with almost gladiatorial passion (hence the sobriquet,
his real name was lost in the annals of time) was
hardly cheered by that remark of the President. He
quickly shot a glance at Vikas (the account head and
Ram's boss) urging him to open with something more
sensible.
"Thank
you sir," started Vikas, patronizingly patting
the President's hand to calm him down, "We are
gathered here because Planimus has worked out a past
assessment and more importantly a future implication
of our media plans and budgets. So lets absorb what
he has to say and then make our budgetary decisions
in a more evolved and scientific manner. After all
it's all about spending money more wisely."
Ram knew that while that was a good opening, Vikas's
knowledge and interest in media ended there.
Mr
Bose, the client marketing head, spoke up, "Why
don't we call in PP (the creative director) he should
also be a part of this."
An uncomfortably silent five minutes later PP entered
like his name was just short listed for the train
to Auschwitz
"Ok,
let's begin with a GRP analysis, region wise, and
see how these met with our set objectives," started
Planimus with almost lusty enthusiasm and then without
warning displayed a slide that had a table on it,
on which the figures looked as if they would be much
happier elsewhere.
There
was a collective inward groan from most people in
the room.
"Why
are you showing so many figures? What's the story
behind them?" asked a visibly dazed Vikas.
"The
story, my young fellow," began Planimus in a
tone that Vikas instantly hated, "is how we are
doing across the country against what we had set to
do."
"Then
why don't you just say it in a line?" PP enquired
"It
can be, but this is an analytical process and we would
lead to that, also don't you think that the client
deserves to be walked through every step, especially
when monetary considerations are involved?"
"I
don't think you should dwell on this too much,"
interrupted the President resurfacing briefly after
he had instantly popped off to sleep just about the
time Planimus had stood up to present.
"Ok,"
said Planimus with a huff and jumped 19 slides in
the presentation, though clearly working under protest.
"Why
are we falling short of our GRP's?" enquired
Mr.Bose.
"Don't
worry about these things," boomed the President,
"These are just figures, I don't even think there
is much scientific basis to them," Planimus clearly
miffed by that point raised an outraged eyebrow, which
the President glossed over with the casual flick of
the wrist, "but maybe if the GRP's are down you
need to spend more." He concluded with a wicked
twinkle in his eyes.
"Why
don't we try and isolate the pattern that is emerging?"
asked Bose in a tone that he hoped would make his
IQ level shoot twenty points.
"Well,
we started with bar graphs, then we graduated to pie
charts, soon Planimus will be plucking numbers from
the very fabric of the cosmos," concluded the
President again finishing with that thunderclap of
a laugh that shook a few numbers out of their reverie.
"What's
the point of these numbers? I never see our commercials
on TV?" queried PP.
"You are in office till midnight everyday, you
don't even watch TV, plus you aren't the target audience,"
retorted Planimus.
"PP
has a point though," began Mr Bose, as the face
of Planimus began changing colors with the speed of
an agitated chameleon. "Why don't we see the
commercials, even the chairman complains that his
wife never sees them?"
Planimus
was tempted to say something unconstitutional about
the Chairman's wife, but years of wisdom prevailed.
"We
judge media on the basis of how well our target is
being exposed to the message. Our target as we all
know is the lower middle class, what use is it, even
if the chairman's wife sees our ad, for groin itching
creams? We have only that much money to spend."
"Are
you saying that you want more money?" asked Bose
in a rather bellicose tone.
"Yes,
of course we always need more money," chimed
in the President and was instantly knocked out when
Planimus exposed him to a slide with 144 matrix cells.
"What
I am saying is that we have to balance the fine line
between those who will give us sales versus those
whom we just have to pamper and as you know the latter
is a statistically insignificant number," said
a defiant Planimus
"Why
don't we just look at the larger picture and make
our conclusions thereof?" interjected Vikas,
doing his 'servicing bit' to preserve the tender equilibrium
of the meeting. There was a marked rise in the temperature
in the room, beyond the scope of work of the air conditioner.
"We
can, but things will only make sense if you people
change your attitude towards numbers and stop being
so intimidated by them."
"Who
is intimidated?" nothing intimidates me, said
the President awakening fresher.
"We
all understand numbers Planimus, numbers are the very
basis of our functioning," added Mr Bose, though
cold sweat beads began to form on his forehead as
the '144 matrix cells' slide had not been changed
over the last ten minutes.
"Please,"
gasped Vikas, "Change that slide, its beginning
to suffocate me."
Planimus,
with a sardonic smile, pushed the page down button
to reveal a new adversary, four pie charts that had
all the colors of the rainbow on them. PP dashed out
of the room covering his mouth. Planimus felt that
he had registered a moral victory of some sort.
"I
think Planimus you just type out a mail summarizing
the entire presentation, and don't use any numbers
in it. Please also indicate that we will need more
budgets."
"And analyze each and every number to its logical
conclusion, Ram will help you do that, he is good
at that and will bring in an account management perspective,"
uttered Vikas, adjusting his tie in his reflection
on Mr. Bose's spectacles.
Ram
groaned with disgust, fear and boredom all rolled
into one. He dreaded talking to Planimus about numbers,
that man was numerically insane.
"Where
did more budgets come from? I never concluded that?"
"Don't
worry Bose, that's the sum and substance of the presentation,
now let's go and have a good lunch. Planimus you can
come along as long as you don't start asking for break
ups on the bill and drawing bar graphs on the napkins."
So
the President, Mr Bose, Planimus and Vikas checked
out of the room like they had to catch a flight, pie
charts still lying appetizingly unattended to on the
screen.
"Media
review meetings are very short, because people who
attend then have a long history with numbers,"
the hushed Chinese accent, the express delivery of
the tea cup and Chai-La disintegrated into a Fibonacci
sequence of numbers.
Ram
wearily started to go through the first ten slides
of the presentation, when almost at once he began
to feel that his eyelids were being pulled down by
forces beyond his control, he was overcome with the
same feeling of nausea one gets when seeing the Indian
batting line up perform abroad.
Then
his world went 100 percent black.
 After
stints at Lowe, Mudra and Everest the author is now
general manager Client Service Network Advertising.
In addition to that he is also patron saint of Juhu
Beach United - a movement that celebrates obesity
and the unfit 'out of breath' media professional of
today. To join up contact vinaykanchan@hotmail.com
(The
views expressed here are those of the author and Indiantelevision.com
need not necessarily subscribe to the same)
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