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The
prologue to an agency review - an agency review is
ideally an open minded exercise that is meant to evaluate
the performance of the advertising agency over the
past year, in as fair and unbiased manner, as is humanly
possible. However, since this is about as achievable
as having an advertising awards show without at least
one self respecting agency deciding to boycott on
'philosophical' grounds, what it's very announcement
leads to is unmitigated stress, panic and confusion
all round.
"News of an impending review always fuels
the need for warm brew." The hushed oriental
accent, the slight flutter of mach speed induced turbulence
and Chai-La (the mystical Chinese canteen tea boy)
had delivered the customary tea cup and opening barb
to Ram Shankar. It was Monday morning and Ram had
not yet got his bits and bytes together when Vikas
(his boss) beckoned him, in a manner that meant business.
"Mr Bose has told me this morning that we are
going to have an agency review," started Vikas,
adjusting his tie in his reflection in Ram's glasses.
"Do you think the account is in danger?"
asked Vikas in a hushed tone.
"I wouldn't know," began Ram and was cut
in mid sentence by PP (the creative director of the
exaggerated mustache fame) bursting into Vikas's chambers
like Ronaldo in the penalty box.
"Why are we having an agency review man? Are
we going to lose the account?" boomed PP in his
customary high decibel style, causing weak hearted
account executives to instantly sign up for medical
insurance policies.
"Relax PP, its nothing new," replied Vikas,
in his most soothing tone, trying to function for
once like the head on the business, but after he remembered
that it was the first time that this was happening
in five years, his morale fell faster than the credibility
of 'breaking news' after the last pest control visit
of the BMC had been aired live.
"This hasn't happened with us in a very long
time," echoed Planimus, the media head, in his
routinely philosophically platonic tone, "I smell
trouble brewing."
Almost on cue Dharti, the ravishingly radiant account
planner walked in, "Hey the security guard told
me that the account was up for review, what's happening
guys?"
"Lets just meet in the conference room, we need
to figure out a strategy," suggested Vikas, and
for once all the necessary evils were in agreement.
The scene shifted to the conference room. Vikas,
following his perfunctorily servicing impulse of staying
on top of things, walked purposefully to the board,
marker pen in hand straight from the 'have whiteboard
will scribble' school of thought.
"Let's see what we have here," furiously
constructing geometric shapes, like he had a personal
vendetta against parabolas (he didn't draw any, just
in case you assumed).
He finished with three circles - client, agency and
external forces and had somehow managed to link all
three with arrows that looked like having directional
issues.
"What does all this mean?" asked an irritated
PP. "Why must you complicate simple things? I
bet that's why the review is happening."
"If you had shown more interest in the account
after finishing with the film, maybe we wouldn't be
here, client's dislike creative who just do the glamorous
jobs."
"It's not my job to write calendars, I am never
good with dates," retorted PP.
"Given the numerous angry women waiting in the
reception for you daily, for once I would agree,"
replied Vikas, relishing the opportunity to kick the
old foe in the more delicate, unmentionable parts.
Before PP could venture into his nuclear explosion,
Dharti patted a firm hand on his shoulder, fortified
with a smile that spoke waist downwards.
"Must we be fighting like this? Let's try and
figure this out," she purred, instantly sending
goose pimples down Ram's spine.
However years of crunching and rounding figures had
made Planimus oblivious to the wiles of women, and
he still had some ax to grind.
"Madam, you knocked us all out the last time
we discussed strategy, I think the client is still
nursing the bump on his head from your last interaction.
In my time strategy used to be simple, over and done
with in ten minutes." He finished with a sardonic
smile.
"This isn't your time Planimus," cooed
back Dharti, in an interesting tone that bordered
between spite and contempt.
"To lose the war, put four generals together
in a room and ask them to arrive at a decision-Old
Chinese army saying." Chai-La popped in and out
of Ram's subconscious mind, leaving behind the sacred
brew nestled in his fingers.
Ram waited for the mayhem to subside before deciding
to make his point. A valuable tip he had picked from
Planimus, about advertising when clutter was low for
more impact.
"Could it just be that given the new personnel
at the clients end, they want to look at everything
in a fair and unbiased manner? You know like bringing
a newer perspective to the table so that the communication
that we create could actually get better and more
focused? Are we making too much of our fear of losing
the account?"
All the participants in the room starred at Ram in
rapt silence, like people would have when Moses was
reciting the commandments. Then the conference room
erupted with laughter.
"Fair and unbiased," choked Vikas, as he
hung onto PP's shoulder for support in a rare 'Kodak
moment of camaraderie'.
"Should we be scared of losing the business?"
stuttered Planimus as he kept banging the table in
an almost tribal ritual.
Dharti sat composed, dignified and silent through
it all.
Ram felt he had at least one supporter. All the others
turned to look at her.
"Bringing a new perspective so that we can create
better communication," she said and burst out
into laughter, further fuelling the mirth factor in
the room.
Ten minutes later all attention was back to the whiteboard,
though not strictly at the seismographic visuals Vikas
had crafted earlier.
"We need to figure this one out. You know how
the boss panics when he hears these things, we will
end up creating 42 campaigns for everything,"
mulled Vikas.
"Why 42?" Dharti queried innocently.
"That's because the boss is a Douglass Adam
fan and you know the bit about 42 being the answer
to life, the universe and everything. The chief applies
it everywhere."
"Well I don't mind writing a 42 slide presentation,"
cooed Dharti.
"What about the creative trying to churn out
42 campaigns, are we going mad?"
"Well statistically 42 is an interesting number,"
started Planimus and was instantly rebooted by the
chilling glares that were shot in his direction.
"Why don't we just call Bose, maybe he will
help us," asked Dharti.
"After the way I keep taking his case in meetings,"
said PP, "I think he is having this because he
wants to settle scores with me. I expect to be the
target."
"Tchah!" interjected Vikas, "He hates
it that I'm not involved on a day to day basis,"
not wanting PP to steal the limelight even in such
issues.
"Why don't we just call him?" implored
Dharti
"Who should?"
Furtive glances were exchanged across the room.
"He hates me."
"He is intimidated by me."
"I can't stand the creep."
All eyes rested on Ram Shankar.
"Call him chief," chirped Vikas, relieved
that the onus of this 'stress call' was off him. "Make
it seem natural, start like you were just inquiring
when it is."
All the others offered encouraging glances by way
of support.
Ram's hand was trembling as he began dialing the
number, somewhere deep down he felt that he was a
bit too junior to be making that call, but Vikas's
quick fingers zipped across the number pad and the
phone was buzzing at the other end before Ram could
even think of formulating an escape plan.
"Mr Bose, I was just calling to inquire when
the review meeting would be?" he began in his
most earnest voice, all eyes in the room transfixed
on him.
There was silence as Bose's voice cackled its usual
cacophonic tone for a bit. Ram put down the phone,
his hand still shaking. "He says it was just
a misunderstanding. The Chairman had told his assistant,
'Get the agency to Hotel Sea-View to meet me.' That
fellow apparently has a hearing problem and so he
spread the word about the agency review."
"I knew it!"
"How can they dislike our work?"
"Or our planning."
"Or strategy."
And before he knew it the other four had cleared
the room and zipped off for a lavish lunch, the voucher
of which Ram would have to clear later (with much
explaining).
"Tale of the review woe is useful to keep agency
on toe," the ancient Chinese rhyme (for better
or verse), the express delivery of the tea cup and
Chai-La had vanished into one of the circles on the
whiteboard.
 After
stints at Lowe, Mudra and Everest the author is now
with Triton as Associate Vice President Brand Services.
In addition to that he is also patron saint of Juhu
Beach United - a movement that celebrates obesity
and the unfit 'out of breath' media professional of
today. To join up contact vinaykanchan@hotmail.com
(The
views expressed here are those of the author and Indiantelevision.com
need not necessarily subscribe to the same)
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